1 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:06,381 Ready, march! 2 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:23,356 Eyes... right! 3 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,990 Eyes right! 4 00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:04,606 Baldrick, 5 00:01:04,856 --> 00:01:06,566 what are you doing out there? 6 00:01:06,816 --> 00:01:08,902 I'm carving something on this bullet, sir. 7 00:01:09,152 --> 00:01:10,653 What are you carving? 8 00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:13,782 I'm carving "Baldrick", sir. 9 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:14,824 Why? 10 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,618 It's a cunning plan, actually. 11 00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,161 Of course it is. 12 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:19,704 You see, you know they say 13 00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:23,458 that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it? 14 00:01:23,708 --> 00:01:25,460 Yes? 15 00:01:25,710 --> 00:01:29,297 Well, I thought if I owned the bullet with my name on it, 16 00:01:29,547 --> 00:01:33,968 I'd never get hit by it, 'cos I won't ever shoot myself. 17 00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:35,553 Oh, shame. 18 00:01:35,804 --> 00:01:39,015 And the chances of there being two bullets 19 00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:42,268 with my name on them are very small indeed. 20 00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:46,815 That's not the only thing around here that's "very small indeed". 21 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:50,485 Your brain, for example, Is so minute, Baldrick, 22 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:53,113 that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, 23 00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:58,576 there wouldn't be enough inside to cover a small water biscuit. 24 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,080 Tally-ho, pip-pip, and Bernard's your uncle. 25 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:03,915 In English we say, "good morning". 26 00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:07,168 - Look what I got for you, sir. - What? 27 00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,462 It's the latest issue of "King and Country". 28 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,423 Oh, damn inspiring stuff! 29 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:14,759 The magazine that tells the tommies the truth about the war. 30 00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:16,970 Or alternatively, the greatest work of fiction 31 00:02:17,220 --> 00:02:21,725 since vows of fidelity were included In the French marriage service. 32 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,143 Come, come, sir. 33 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,894 Now, you can't deny that this fine newspaper 34 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,396 is good for the morale of the men. 35 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:27,480 Certainly not, 36 00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:31,901 I just think that more could be achieved by giving them some real toilet paper. 37 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,236 I'm not with you at all, sir, 38 00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:36,740 what could any patriotic chap have against this magnificent mag? 39 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,617 Apart from his bottom? 40 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:41,244 Well, look at it. 41 00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:45,749 I mean the stuff's about as convincing as Dr. Crippen's defence lawyer. 42 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,959 The British tommies are all portrayed 43 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:51,338 as six-foot six with biceps the size of Bournemouth. 44 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,089 Thoroughly inspiring stuff. 45 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:57,969 And look, sir, this also just arrived for you this morning. 46 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:01,514 Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant? 47 00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:04,559 - It's a good old service revolver. - Wrong. 48 00:03:04,809 --> 00:03:06,394 It's a brand new service revolver, 49 00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:10,023 which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. 50 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,108 I smell something fishy, 51 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:17,322 and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble. 52 00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:20,241 That's funny, sir, because we didn't order 53 00:03:20,492 --> 00:03:22,452 those new trench-climbing ladders either. 54 00:03:22,702 --> 00:03:24,537 - New ladders? - Yeah, came yesterday. 55 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,457 I issued them to the men, and they were absolutely thrilled. 56 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:28,541 Isn't that right men? 57 00:03:28,792 --> 00:03:29,834 Yes, sir, 58 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,671 First solid fuel we've had since we burned the cats. 59 00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:35,340 Something's going on, 60 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:38,343 and I think I can make an educated guess what it is. 61 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:40,804 Something which you, George, would find hard to do. 62 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:42,514 Ah, true, true. 63 00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:45,225 Where I was at school, education could go hang 64 00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:48,395 as long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud, 65 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,106 and take a hot crumpet from behind without blubbing. 66 00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,649 I, on the other hand, 67 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,651 am a fully-rounded human being 68 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,112 with a degree from the University of Life, 69 00:03:57,362 --> 00:03:59,364 a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks, 70 00:03:59,614 --> 00:04:03,618 and three gold stars from the Kindergarten of Getting the Shit Kicked Out of Me. 71 00:04:03,868 --> 00:04:06,746 And my instincts lead me to deduce 72 00:04:06,996 --> 00:04:10,208 that we are at last about to go over the top. 73 00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:12,168 Great Scott, sir, you mean... 74 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,337 You mean the moment's finally arrived for us 75 00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:17,257 to give Harry Hun a darned good British-style thrashing, 76 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:18,800 six of the best, trousers down? 77 00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:22,721 If you mean are we all going to get killed, yes. 78 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,640 Clearly, Field Marshal Haig is about to make 79 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:26,933 yet another gargantuan effort 80 00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:30,353 to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin. 81 00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:31,688 Right! 82 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,023 Bravo-issimo! 83 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,191 Well let's make a start, eh? 84 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,777 Up and over to glory, last one in Berlin's a rotten egg. 85 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:41,489 Give me your helmet, Lieutenant. 86 00:04:50,915 --> 00:04:56,671 Yes, some sort of clever hat camouflage might be in order. 87 00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:58,048 Permission to speak, sir. 88 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,926 Granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread. 89 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:05,472 I have a cunning plan to get us out of getting killed, sir. 90 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,557 - Ah, yes, what is it? - Cooking. 91 00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,059 I see. 92 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:13,938 You know staff HQ is always on the lookout for good cooks? 93 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:16,649 Well, we go over there, we cook 'em something, 94 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,902 And we get out of the trenches that way. 95 00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,780 - Baldrick, it's a brilliant plan. - Is it? 96 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:22,906 Yes, it's superb. 97 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:25,450 Permission to write home immediately, sir! 98 00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:28,495 This is the first brilliant plan a Baldrick's ever had! 99 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,330 For centuries we've tried, 100 00:05:30,580 --> 00:05:34,167 and they've always turned out to be total pig swill. 101 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:37,003 My mother will be as pleased as punch. 102 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:41,216 Hmm, if only she were as good-looking as punch, Baldrick. 103 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,802 There is, however, one slight flaw in the plan. 104 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:44,886 Oh? 105 00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:49,099 - You're the worst cook in the entire world. - Oh, yeah, that's right. 106 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:53,728 There are amoeba on Saturn who could boil a better egg than you. 107 00:05:53,978 --> 00:05:59,776 Your filet mignons in sauce béarnaise look like dog turds in glue. 108 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,903 That's because they are. 109 00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:03,863 Your plum duff tastes like 110 00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:06,991 it's a molehill decorated with rabbit droppings. 111 00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:08,535 I thought you wouldn't notice. 112 00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:12,872 And your cream custard has the texture of cat's vomit. 113 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,791 Again, it's... 114 00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:18,336 If you were to serve one of your meals in staff HQ, 115 00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:20,505 you'd be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning 116 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:24,592 since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends around 117 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,928 for a wine and anthrax party. 118 00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:30,348 No, we'll have to think of a better plan than that. 119 00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:34,102 Right, how about a nice meal, while you chew it over? 120 00:06:34,352 --> 00:06:35,770 What's on the menu? 121 00:06:36,021 --> 00:06:37,605 Rat. 122 00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:39,524 Sauté or fricassee? 123 00:06:39,774 --> 00:06:43,862 Oh, the agony of choice. 124 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,196 Sautéed involves... ? 125 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,657 Well, you take the freshly shaved rat, 126 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:50,785 and you marinade it in a puddle for a while. 127 00:06:51,036 --> 00:06:52,871 Mm-hmm, for how long? 128 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,956 Till it's drowned. 129 00:06:55,206 --> 00:06:57,917 Then you stretch it out under a hot light bulb, 130 00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,545 then you get within dashing distance of the latrine, 131 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,797 and you scoff it right down. 132 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:05,717 So that's sautéing. And fricasseeing? 133 00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,093 Exactly the same, 134 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:09,763 just a slightly bigger rat. 135 00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:12,682 Well, call me old Mr. Unadventurous, 136 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,268 but I think I'll give it a miss this once. 137 00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:16,394 Fair enough, sir. 138 00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,105 - More for the rest of us. Eh, sir? - Absolutely, Private. 139 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,149 Tally-ho, barf barf! 140 00:07:23,568 --> 00:07:26,738 Hello, the Savoy Grill. 141 00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:28,782 Oh, it's you... . 142 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:29,991 Yes... . 143 00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:31,993 Yes, I'll be over in 40 minutes. 144 00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,411 Who was it then, sir? 145 00:07:33,661 --> 00:07:34,746 Strangely enough, Baldrick, 146 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:37,707 it was Pope Gregory IX, 147 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:41,670 inviting me for drinks aboard his steam yacht "The Saucy Sue", 148 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,797 currently wintering in Montego Bay 149 00:07:44,047 --> 00:07:45,423 with the England cricket team 150 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:47,592 and the Balinese Goddess of Plenty. 151 00:07:47,842 --> 00:07:51,262 - Really? - No, not really. 152 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:52,972 I've been ordered to HQ. 153 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,433 No doubt that idiot General Melchett 154 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:58,561 is about to offer me some attractive new opportunities 155 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:03,233 to have my brains blown out for Britain. 156 00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:12,826 What do you want, Darling? 157 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,038 It's "Captain Darling" to you. 158 00:08:17,288 --> 00:08:18,415 General Melchett wants to see you 159 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,333 about a highly important secret mission. 160 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,753 - What's going on, Darling? - Captain Blackadder to see you, sir. 161 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:25,672 Ah, excellent. 162 00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:28,717 Just a short back and sides today, I think, please. 163 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,386 Er, that's Corporal Black, sir. 164 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:33,555 Captain Blackadder is here about the other matter, sir, 165 00:08:33,805 --> 00:08:34,889 the secret matter. 166 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:38,727 Ah, yes, the special mission. At ease, Blackadder. 167 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:44,274 Now, what I'm about to tell you is absolutely tip-top-secret. 168 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,735 - Is that clear? - It is, sir. 169 00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:49,654 Now, I've compiled a list of those with security clearance. 170 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,198 - Have you got it Darling? - Yes, sir. 171 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:53,283 Read it, please. 172 00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,868 It's top security, sir, 173 00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:56,619 I think that's all the captain needs to know. 174 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,913 Nonsense! Let's hear the list in full! 175 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:00,874 Very well, sir. 176 00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,752 {y:i}List of personnel cleared {y:i}for Mission Gainsborough, 177 00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:07,005 {y:i}as dictated by General C.H. Melchett. 178 00:09:07,255 --> 00:09:10,008 {y:i}You and me, Darling, obviously. 179 00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:11,593 {y:i}Field Marshal Haig, 180 00:09:11,843 --> 00:09:12,927 {y:i}Field Marshal Haig's wife, 181 00:09:13,178 --> 00:09:15,347 {y:i}all Field Marshal Haig's wife's friends, 182 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:17,807 {y:i}their families, their families' servants, 183 00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:20,185 {y:i}their families' servants' tennis partners, 184 00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:21,853 {y:i}and some chap I bumped into 185 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:24,064 {y:i}in the mess the other day called Bernard. 186 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:28,276 So, it's maximum security, is that clear? 187 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:29,861 Quite clear, sir. 188 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:33,156 Only myself and the rest of the English- speaking world is to know. 189 00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,324 Good man. 190 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:36,576 Now, Field Marshal Haig 191 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,829 has formulated a brilliant new tactical plan 192 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,333 to ensure final victory in the field. 193 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,169 Ah. Would this brilliant plan involve us 194 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:47,879 climbing out of our trenches 195 00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,757 and walking very slowly towards the enemy, sir? 196 00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:52,592 How could you possibly know that, Blackadder? 197 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,177 It's classified information. 198 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:57,138 It's the same plan that we used last time, 199 00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,974 and the seventeen times before that. 200 00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:02,644 E-e-exactly! 201 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:05,522 And that is what is so brilliant about it! 202 00:10:05,772 --> 00:10:08,900 It will catch the watchful Hun totally off-guard! 203 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,985 Doing precisely what we have done 204 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:11,986 eighteen times before 205 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:15,198 is exactly the last thing they'll expect us to do this time! 206 00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,868 There is, however, one small problem. 207 00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,455 That everyone always gets slaughtered in the first ten seconds. 208 00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:23,415 That's right! 209 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,375 And Field Marshal Haig is worried 210 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,919 that this may be depressing the men a tadge. 211 00:10:28,169 --> 00:10:31,423 So he's looking to find a way to cheer them up. 212 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:35,510 Well, his resignation and suicide would seem the obvious solution. 213 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:38,013 Interesting thought. Make a note of it, Darling. 214 00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:39,848 Take a look at this... 215 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:43,309 I'm sure you know it ..."King and Country". 216 00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,896 Ah, yes, without question my favourite magazine... 217 00:10:47,147 --> 00:10:50,442 soft, strong and thoroughly absorbent. 218 00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,444 Top-hole, Blackadder, 219 00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:56,781 I thought it would be right up your alley. 220 00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:01,494 Field Marshal Haig's plan is this: 221 00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:06,041 To commission a man to do an especially stirring painting 222 00:11:06,291 --> 00:11:07,917 for the cover of the next issue, 223 00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,962 so as to really inspire the men for the final push. 224 00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:14,841 What I want you to do, Blackadder, is to labour night and day 225 00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:18,303 to find a first-rate artist from amongst your men. 226 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:19,387 Impossible, sir. 227 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:20,680 I know from long experience 228 00:11:20,930 --> 00:11:22,932 that my men have all the artistic talent 229 00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:26,561 of a cluster of colour-blind hedgehogs... 230 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,898 in a bag. 231 00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,858 Hmm, well that's a bit of a blow. 232 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,402 We needed a man to leave the trenches immediately. 233 00:11:34,652 --> 00:11:36,613 - Leave the trenches? - Mm-hm. 234 00:11:36,863 --> 00:11:38,782 Yes, I wonder if you've enjoyed, 235 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,284 as I have sir, that marvellous painting 236 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,829 in the national portrait gallery, {y:i}Bag Interior, 237 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,124 by the colour-blind hedgehog workshop of Sienna. 238 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:51,753 I'm sorry, are you saying you can find this man? 239 00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:53,880 I think I can. 240 00:11:54,130 --> 00:11:56,424 And might I suggest, sir, that, having left the trenches, 241 00:11:56,675 --> 00:12:00,470 it might be a good idea to post our man to Paris 242 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,806 in order to soak up a little of the artistic atmosphere... 243 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,141 perhaps even Tahiti... 244 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:08,353 so as to produce a real masterpiece. 245 00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:10,438 Yes, yes, but can you find the man?! 246 00:12:10,689 --> 00:12:12,982 Now, I know I can, sir. 247 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:14,818 Before you can say "Sunflowers," 248 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,905 I'll have Vincent Van Gogh standing before you. 249 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:24,703 No, don't stop, sir. 250 00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,454 It's coming, it's definitely coming. 251 00:12:26,705 --> 00:12:29,708 I, hmm, yeah, er, hm. 252 00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:33,878 I just wonder whether two socks and a hand grenade 253 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:35,422 is really the sort of thing 254 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:37,632 that covers of "King and Country" are made of. 255 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:40,969 They will be when I've painted them being shoved up the Kaiser's backside. 256 00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:45,306 - Ah, now, now, this is interesting. - What is? 257 00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:48,435 Well, Private Baldrick is obviously a bit of an impressionist. 258 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:52,731 The only decent impression he can do is of a man with no talent. 259 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,274 What's it called, Baldrick? 260 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,027 "The Vomiting Cavalier"? 261 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,904 No, sir, that's not supposed to be vomit. 262 00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:03,616 - It's dabs of light. - No, it's vomit. 263 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:07,787 - Yes, so, why did you choose that? - You told me to, sir. 264 00:13:08,038 --> 00:13:09,122 Did I? 265 00:13:09,372 --> 00:13:11,624 Yeah, you told me to paint whatever comes from within, 266 00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,502 so I did my breakfast. 267 00:13:14,753 --> 00:13:17,630 Look, there's a little tomato. 268 00:13:17,881 --> 00:13:18,757 Hopeless. 269 00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:21,134 If only I'd paid attention in nursery art class 270 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:22,886 instead of spending my entire time 271 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:27,682 manufacturing papier maché Willies to frighten Sarah Wallis. 272 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:28,725 You know, it's funny, 273 00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,353 but painting was the only thing I was ever any good at. 274 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,271 Well, it's a pity you didn't keep it up. 275 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,648 Well, as a matter of fact, I did, actually. 276 00:13:35,899 --> 00:13:37,317 I mean... I mean normally 277 00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:38,777 I wouldn't show them to anyone, 278 00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:40,737 'cos they're just embarrassing daubs really, 279 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,615 but you know, ah, they give me pleasure. 280 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,950 I'm embarrassed to show them to you now as it happens, 281 00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:48,495 but there you go, for what they're worth. 282 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:52,207 To be honest, I should have my hands cut off, I mean... 283 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:53,291 George! These are brilliant! 284 00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,794 Why didn't you tell us about these before? 285 00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:56,920 Well, you know, 286 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,339 one doesn't want to blow one's own trumpet. 287 00:13:59,589 --> 00:14:01,966 You might at least have told us you had a trumpet. 288 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:06,179 These paintings could spell my way out of the trenches. 289 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:07,555 Yours? 290 00:14:07,806 --> 00:14:10,975 That's right, ours. 291 00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:13,019 All we have to do is paint something heroic 292 00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:15,563 to appeal to the simple-minded tommy. 293 00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:17,440 Over to you, Baldrick. 294 00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:21,861 Um, how about a noble tommy, standing, 295 00:14:22,112 --> 00:14:23,988 with a look of horror and disgust, 296 00:14:24,239 --> 00:14:26,491 over the body of a murdered nun, 297 00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:28,326 what's been brutally done over 298 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,620 by a nasty old German. 299 00:14:30,870 --> 00:14:31,663 Excellent. 300 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:35,083 I-I can see it now: {y:i}the Nun and the Hun. 301 00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:36,418 Brilliant! 302 00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:37,711 No time to lose. 303 00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:40,797 George, set up your easel, Baldrick and I will pose. 304 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,966 This is going to be art's greatest moment 305 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,844 since Mona Lisa sat down and told Leonardo da Vinci 306 00:14:46,094 --> 00:14:48,805 she was in a slightly odd mood. 307 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,974 Baldrick, you lie down in the mud and be the nun. 308 00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:52,976 I'm not lying down there, it's all wet. 309 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,310 Well, let's put it this way: 310 00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:55,687 Either you lie down and get wet, 311 00:14:55,937 --> 00:14:58,773 or you're knocked down and get a broken nose. 312 00:14:59,024 --> 00:15:00,650 Actually it's not that wet, is it? 313 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:01,651 No. 314 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,322 Who are you going to be then, sir? 315 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:07,657 The noble tommy? 316 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,326 Precisely, standing over the body of the ravaged nun. 317 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:11,703 I want a wimple. 318 00:15:11,953 --> 00:15:14,039 You should have gone before we started the picture. 319 00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:16,124 You know, the funny thing is, 320 00:15:16,374 --> 00:15:19,794 my father was a nun. 321 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,171 No, he wasn't. 322 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:22,881 He was so, sir. 323 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,383 I know, 'cos whenever he was up in court, 324 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,635 and the judge used to say, "Occupation?" 325 00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:31,765 He'd say, "None." 326 00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:34,476 Right. You're ready? 327 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:35,894 Just about sir, yes. 328 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:40,815 Um, if you just like to pop your clothes on the stool. 329 00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:42,442 I'm sorry? 330 00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,652 Just pop your clothes on the stool over there. 331 00:15:44,903 --> 00:15:50,617 You mean, you want me..."tackle out"? 332 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,702 Well, I would prefer so, sir, yes. 333 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,747 If I can remind you of the realities of battle, George, 334 00:15:55,997 --> 00:15:57,791 one of the first things that everyone notices 335 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:00,877 Is that all the protagonists have got their clothes on. 336 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:02,379 Neither we nor the Hun 337 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,673 favour fighting our battles au naturel. 338 00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:07,842 Sir, it's artistic license. 339 00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:10,720 It's willing suspension of disbelief. 340 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,806 Well, I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief 341 00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,183 at my Willie suspension! 342 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:20,480 Now, get on and paint the bloody thing... sharpish! 343 00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:26,194 Brilliant, George, it's a masterpiece. 344 00:16:26,444 --> 00:16:28,113 The wimple suits you, Baldrick. 345 00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:30,323 But it completely covers my face. 346 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:31,908 Exactly. 347 00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:35,036 Now, then, General Melchett will be here at any moment. 348 00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,247 When he arrives, leave the talking to me, all right? 349 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,290 I like to keep an informal trench, 350 00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:40,500 as you know, 351 00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:42,293 but today you must only speak 352 00:16:42,544 --> 00:16:46,423 with my express permission, Is that clear? 353 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,967 Is that clear? 354 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:51,094 Permission to speak. 355 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:52,804 Yes, sir, absolutely. 356 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,890 Attention! 357 00:16:56,099 --> 00:17:00,103 Dugout, attention! 358 00:17:01,104 --> 00:17:03,023 Excellent, at ease. 359 00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:04,107 Now, then, Blackadder, 360 00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,442 where would you like me to sit? 361 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,569 I thought just a simple trim of the moustache today, 362 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:08,820 nothing drastic. 363 00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,197 We're here about the painting, sir. 364 00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:12,824 Oh, yes, of course. 365 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:15,326 Good Lord, George! Ha ha ha! 366 00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:19,706 How are you, my boy? 367 00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,167 I said how are you? 368 00:17:22,417 --> 00:17:23,710 Permission to speak. 369 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:25,378 Absolutely top-hole sir, 370 00:17:25,628 --> 00:17:27,881 with a ying and a yang and a yippetty-doo. 371 00:17:28,131 --> 00:17:29,299 Splendid! 372 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,468 And your Uncle Bertie sends his regards. 373 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,595 I told him you could have a week off in April. 374 00:17:33,845 --> 00:17:35,764 Don't want you missing the boat race, do we? 375 00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:37,265 Permission to speak. 376 00:17:37,515 --> 00:17:38,933 Certainly not. 377 00:17:39,184 --> 00:17:40,852 Permission to sing boisterously, sir? 378 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,395 If you must. 379 00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:44,314 380 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,274 381 00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:52,197 isn't life a scream? 382 00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:55,950 Fabulous. 383 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:58,703 University education, you can't beat it. 384 00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:02,999 Bravo! Now, what have we here? 385 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:03,958 Name? 386 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:05,418 Permission to speak. 387 00:18:05,669 --> 00:18:06,461 Baldrick, sir. 388 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,546 Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip, 389 00:18:08,797 --> 00:18:10,423 and zing zang spillip. 390 00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:15,595 Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka? 391 00:18:15,845 --> 00:18:18,640 Permission to speak. 392 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,393 Answer the general, Baldrick. 393 00:18:21,643 --> 00:18:22,977 I can't answer him, sir, 394 00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:25,230 I don't know what he's talking about. 395 00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,859 Aah, are you looking forward to the big push? 396 00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:33,363 No, sir, I'm absolutely terrified. 397 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:37,742 Ah, the healthy humour of the honest tommy. 398 00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:41,496 Ha ha ha, don't worry my boy, If you should falter, 399 00:18:41,746 --> 00:18:44,833 remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you. 400 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:48,837 About thirty-five miles behind you. 401 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,297 Right, well, stand by your beds. 402 00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:54,050 Let's have a look at this artist of yours, Blackadder. 403 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,302 - Next to me, Darling. - Thank you, sir. 404 00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:58,596 So, ah, have you found someone? 405 00:18:58,847 --> 00:19:02,267 Yes, sir, I think I have. None other than young George here. 406 00:19:02,517 --> 00:19:04,602 Oh, bravo! 407 00:19:04,853 --> 00:19:05,895 Well, let's have a shufti then. 408 00:19:06,146 --> 00:19:09,232 It's simply called "War". 409 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:12,277 Damn silly title, George. 410 00:19:12,527 --> 00:19:14,779 Looks more like a couple of socks 411 00:19:15,030 --> 00:19:16,823 and a stick of pineapple to me. 412 00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:18,408 Ah, permission to speak, sir?! 413 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,494 Uh, I think not, actually. 414 00:19:21,745 --> 00:19:23,580 Quite right! 415 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,165 If what happens when you open your mouth 416 00:19:25,415 --> 00:19:27,167 Is anything like what happens when you open your paintbox, 417 00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:28,835 we'll all be drenched in phlegm! 418 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:32,797 Oh, no, this isn't what we're looking for at all, is it, Darling? 419 00:19:33,048 --> 00:19:35,091 - No, sir. - No sir! 420 00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:38,261 There is this, sir. It's Private Baldrick's. 421 00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:42,557 He's called it "My Family And Other Animals." 422 00:19:42,807 --> 00:19:45,226 Oh, good Lord, no! 423 00:19:45,477 --> 00:19:48,688 Well, I'm afraid that's about it, sir, 424 00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:52,817 apart from this little thing. 425 00:19:53,068 --> 00:19:55,362 Ah, now that's more like it! 426 00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:56,988 Who painted this, Blackadder? 427 00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:58,782 Well actually, it was me. 428 00:19:59,032 --> 00:20:01,618 Permission to speak really quite urgently, sir! 429 00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:04,412 Damn and blast your goggly eyes, 430 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,831 will you stop interrupting, George?! 431 00:20:07,082 --> 00:20:07,957 This is excellent! 432 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:12,003 Congratulations, man. It's totally inspiring! 433 00:20:12,253 --> 00:20:14,464 Makes you want to jump over the top 434 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:17,467 and yell, "Yah boo, sucks to you, Fritzie!" 435 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,260 Thank you, sir. 436 00:20:19,511 --> 00:20:21,054 Are you sure you did this, Blackadder? 437 00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:22,430 Of course I'm sure. 438 00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:28,436 - I'm afraid I don't believe you. - How dare you, Darling? 439 00:20:28,687 --> 00:20:30,397 General, I can't let that slur pass. 440 00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:33,483 What possible low, suspicious, slanderous reason 441 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,985 could this office boy have 442 00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:38,238 for thinking that I didn't paint the picture? 443 00:20:38,488 --> 00:20:39,989 Three reasons, as a matter of fact. 444 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:45,161 - Firstly, you're in it. - It's a self-portrait. 445 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,038 Secondly, you told us you couldn't paint. 446 00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:50,166 One doesn't like to blow one's own trumpet. 447 00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:51,835 - Permission... - Denied. 448 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,503 And thirdly, 449 00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:57,799 it's signed "George." 450 00:21:06,558 --> 00:21:08,143 Well spotted. 451 00:21:08,393 --> 00:21:12,981 But not signed George, dedicated to George. 452 00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:15,191 King George. 453 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:16,901 Gentlemen, The King. 454 00:21:17,152 --> 00:21:20,030 The King! - Where? 455 00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,365 Bravo, Blackadder, I have absolutely 456 00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:24,117 no hesitation in appointing you 457 00:21:24,367 --> 00:21:25,994 our official regimental artist. 458 00:21:26,244 --> 00:21:28,329 You're a damn fine chap, 459 00:21:28,580 --> 00:21:31,833 not a pen-pushing, desk-sucking blotter-jotter 460 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:32,917 like Darling here. 461 00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:33,960 Eh, Darling? 462 00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:35,086 No sir. 463 00:21:35,337 --> 00:21:36,004 No sir. 464 00:21:36,254 --> 00:21:38,506 Well, accompany us back to HQ immediately. 465 00:21:38,757 --> 00:21:41,092 Ten shun! 466 00:21:41,343 --> 00:21:43,011 Permission to jolly well speak right now, sir, 467 00:21:43,261 --> 00:21:45,430 otherwise I might just burst like a bloody balloon! 468 00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:50,518 Later, George. Much later. 469 00:21:50,769 --> 00:21:53,730 Congratulations on your new appointment, Blackadder. 470 00:21:53,980 --> 00:21:54,939 Thank you, sir. 471 00:21:55,190 --> 00:21:57,734 And may I say, Blackadder, I am particularly pleased about it. 472 00:21:57,984 --> 00:21:58,985 Are you? 473 00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:00,528 Oh, yes. 474 00:22:00,779 --> 00:22:04,282 Now that you are our official war artist, 475 00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:06,076 we can give you the full briefing. 476 00:22:06,326 --> 00:22:07,702 The fact is, Blackadder, 477 00:22:07,952 --> 00:22:09,829 that the King and Country cover story 478 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,290 was just a cover story! 479 00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:15,669 We want you, as our top painting bard, 480 00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:17,170 to leave the trenches... 481 00:22:17,420 --> 00:22:18,421 Good. 482 00:22:18,672 --> 00:22:20,090 - Tonight - Suits me. 483 00:22:20,340 --> 00:22:24,344 And go out into No-Man's Land. 484 00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:29,224 - No-Man's Land. - Yes. 485 00:22:29,474 --> 00:22:31,976 - Not Paris. - No. 486 00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:34,187 We want you to come back 487 00:22:34,437 --> 00:22:36,314 with accurate drawings of the enemy positions. 488 00:22:36,564 --> 00:22:39,901 You want me to sit in No-Man's Land 489 00:22:40,151 --> 00:22:43,196 painting pictures of the Germans? 490 00:22:43,446 --> 00:22:45,240 Precisely... good man! 491 00:22:45,490 --> 00:22:47,534 Well, it's a very attractive proposition, 492 00:22:47,784 --> 00:22:49,828 but unfortunately, not practical. 493 00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:51,496 You see, my medium is light. 494 00:22:51,746 --> 00:22:53,832 It'll be pitch-dark... I won't be able to see a thing. 495 00:22:54,082 --> 00:22:55,792 Ah... that is a point. 496 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:56,876 I tell you what... 497 00:22:57,127 --> 00:22:58,878 We'll send up a couple of flares. 498 00:22:59,129 --> 00:23:01,673 You'll be lit up like a Christmas tree. 499 00:23:01,923 --> 00:23:05,969 Oh, excellent. Glad I checked. 500 00:23:07,012 --> 00:23:09,097 All right... total and utter quiet. 501 00:23:09,347 --> 00:23:12,767 So, for instance, if any of us crawl over any barbed wire, 502 00:23:13,018 --> 00:23:14,936 they must on no account go... 503 00:23:15,186 --> 00:23:16,146 Aaahhh!!!! 504 00:23:16,396 --> 00:23:18,815 You just crawled over some barbed wire, sir? 505 00:23:19,065 --> 00:23:20,066 No, Baldrick, 506 00:23:20,316 --> 00:23:22,235 I've just put my elbow in a blob of ice cream. 507 00:23:22,485 --> 00:23:23,278 Well, that's all right. 508 00:23:23,528 --> 00:23:25,530 Now, where the hell are we? 509 00:23:25,780 --> 00:23:27,615 It's a bit difficult to say. 510 00:23:27,866 --> 00:23:30,326 We appeared to have crawled into an area marked with mushrooms. 511 00:23:30,577 --> 00:23:32,787 And what do those symbols denote? 512 00:23:33,038 --> 00:23:35,457 That we're in a field of mushrooms? 513 00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:37,667 That is a military map, 514 00:23:37,917 --> 00:23:41,463 It is unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi. 515 00:23:41,713 --> 00:23:43,965 Look at the key and you'll discover 516 00:23:44,215 --> 00:23:45,884 that those mushrooms aren't for picking. 517 00:23:46,134 --> 00:23:48,011 Good Lord, you're quite right, sir. 518 00:23:48,261 --> 00:23:49,763 It says "mine". 519 00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:51,848 So these mushrooms 520 00:23:52,098 --> 00:23:56,102 must belong to the man who made the map. 521 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,983 Either that, or we're in the middle of a mine field. 522 00:24:02,233 --> 00:24:03,526 Oh, dear. 523 00:24:03,777 --> 00:24:05,320 So he owns the field as well? 524 00:24:07,864 --> 00:24:11,117 They're firing, sir, they're firing! 525 00:24:11,368 --> 00:24:13,787 Yes, thank you, Lieutenant. 526 00:24:14,037 --> 00:24:17,624 If they hit me, you'll be sure to point it out, won't you? 527 00:24:17,874 --> 00:24:20,210 Get on with your drawing and let's get out of here. 528 00:24:20,460 --> 00:24:22,337 Surely we ought to wait for the flare, sir, 529 00:24:22,587 --> 00:24:24,130 you see, my medium is light... 530 00:24:24,381 --> 00:24:27,384 Just use your imagination, for heaven's sake! 531 00:24:27,634 --> 00:24:29,719 Wait a minute... that's the answer. 532 00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:32,639 I can't believe I've been so stupid! 533 00:24:32,889 --> 00:24:33,973 That is unusual, 534 00:24:34,224 --> 00:24:36,184 'cos usually I'm the stupid one. 535 00:24:36,434 --> 00:24:37,519 Well, I'm not over-furnished 536 00:24:37,769 --> 00:24:39,562 In the brain department. 537 00:24:39,813 --> 00:24:41,106 Well, on this occasion, 538 00:24:41,356 --> 00:24:42,649 I've been stupidest of all. 539 00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,401 Oh, now, sir, 540 00:24:44,651 --> 00:24:46,444 I will not have that. 541 00:24:46,695 --> 00:24:48,530 Baldrick and I will always be 542 00:24:48,780 --> 00:24:49,989 more stupid than you. 543 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:51,282 Isn't that right, Baldrick? 544 00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:53,076 Stupid, stupid, stupid! 545 00:24:53,326 --> 00:24:55,495 Yeah... stupidy, stupidy, stupidy! 546 00:24:55,745 --> 00:24:56,913 The stupidest stupids 547 00:24:57,163 --> 00:24:58,623 In the whole history of stupidityness! 548 00:25:05,088 --> 00:25:07,424 Finished? 549 00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:09,551 I think the obvious point is this... 550 00:25:09,801 --> 00:25:11,177 We'll go straight back to the dugout 551 00:25:11,428 --> 00:25:12,929 and do the painting from there. 552 00:25:13,179 --> 00:25:14,681 You do the most imaginative, 553 00:25:14,931 --> 00:25:17,017 most exciting possible drawing 554 00:25:17,267 --> 00:25:19,227 Of German defences from your imagination. 555 00:25:19,477 --> 00:25:20,979 I say, now, that is a challenge. 556 00:25:21,229 --> 00:25:24,399 Quite. Come on, let's get out of here. 557 00:25:24,649 --> 00:25:26,359 Oh, sir, just one thing... 558 00:25:26,609 --> 00:25:28,486 If we should happen to tread on a mine, 559 00:25:28,737 --> 00:25:31,406 what do we do? 560 00:25:31,948 --> 00:25:33,783 Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, 561 00:25:34,034 --> 00:25:36,453 is to jump 200 feet into the air 562 00:25:36,703 --> 00:25:41,875 and scatter yourself over a wide area. 563 00:25:43,001 --> 00:25:45,920 Are you sure this is what you saw, Blackadder? 564 00:25:46,171 --> 00:25:47,630 Absolutely. 565 00:25:47,881 --> 00:25:49,507 There may have been a few more armament factories 566 00:25:49,758 --> 00:25:52,344 and not quite as many elephants, 567 00:25:52,594 --> 00:25:55,555 but that's generally it. 568 00:25:55,805 --> 00:25:58,558 Well, you know what this means. 569 00:25:58,808 --> 00:26:01,603 If it's true, sir, we'll have to cancel the push. 570 00:26:01,853 --> 00:26:03,355 Exactly. 571 00:26:03,605 --> 00:26:06,191 - Damn! - What a nuisance. 572 00:26:06,441 --> 00:26:09,402 Exactly what the enemy would expect us to do, 573 00:26:09,652 --> 00:26:12,364 and therefore, exactly what we shan't do! 574 00:26:12,614 --> 00:26:14,407 Ah. Now... 575 00:26:14,657 --> 00:26:17,285 If we attack where the line is strongest, 576 00:26:17,535 --> 00:26:19,079 then Fritz will think that our reconnaissance 577 00:26:19,329 --> 00:26:20,580 is a total shambles. 578 00:26:20,830 --> 00:26:23,750 This will lull him into a sense of false security, 579 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,669 and then next week we can attack 580 00:26:25,919 --> 00:26:28,296 where the line is actually badly defended, 581 00:26:28,546 --> 00:26:30,548 and win the greatest victory 582 00:26:30,799 --> 00:26:33,218 since the Winchester flower arranging team 583 00:26:33,468 --> 00:26:38,139 beat Harrow by 12 sore bottoms to one! 584 00:26:38,390 --> 00:26:42,602 Tell me... have you ever visited the planet Earth, sir? 585 00:26:42,852 --> 00:26:46,523 So, best fighting trousers on, Blackadder! 586 00:26:46,773 --> 00:26:48,149 Permission to shout "Bravo" 587 00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:49,526 at an annoyingly loud volume, sir! 588 00:26:49,776 --> 00:26:50,819 Permission granted. 589 00:26:51,069 --> 00:26:51,986 Bravo!!!! 590 00:26:52,237 --> 00:26:54,531 That's the spirit! 591 00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:56,366 Just your kind of caper, eh, Blackadder? 592 00:26:56,616 --> 00:26:57,617 Oh, yes. 593 00:26:57,867 --> 00:27:01,204 Good luck against those elephants. 594 00:27:02,872 --> 00:27:05,208 Get me a chisel and some marble, 595 00:27:05,458 --> 00:27:06,167 will you, Baldrick? 596 00:27:06,418 --> 00:27:08,211 Taking up sculpture now, sir? 597 00:27:08,461 --> 00:27:11,089 No, I thought I'd get my headstone done. 598 00:27:11,339 --> 00:27:12,632 What are you gonna put on it? 599 00:27:12,882 --> 00:27:14,843 {y:i}Here lies Edmund Blackadder, 600 00:27:15,093 --> 00:27:18,138 {y:i}and he's bloody annoyed. 601 00:27:18,304 --> 00:27:20,015 We're going over, are we, sir? 602 00:27:20,265 --> 00:27:23,685 Yes, we are, unless I can think of some brilliant plan. 603 00:27:23,935 --> 00:27:27,439 Would you like some rat au vin to help you think? 604 00:27:27,689 --> 00:27:29,399 Rat au vin? 605 00:27:29,649 --> 00:27:31,443 Yeah, it's rat, and it's been... 606 00:27:31,693 --> 00:27:34,362 ...run over by a van. 607 00:27:34,612 --> 00:27:36,364 No thank you, Baldrick. 608 00:27:36,614 --> 00:27:39,951 Although it gives me an idea. 609 00:27:40,201 --> 00:27:41,453 Telephone, please. 610 00:27:41,703 --> 00:27:44,164 I suppose Blackadder and his boys 611 00:27:44,414 --> 00:27:46,499 will have gone over the top by now, sir. 612 00:27:46,750 --> 00:27:48,501 Yes. God, I wish I was out there with them, 613 00:27:48,752 --> 00:27:51,087 dodging the bullets, instead of having to sit here 614 00:27:51,338 --> 00:27:52,422 drinking this Chateau Lafitte 615 00:27:52,672 --> 00:27:57,135 and eating these fillet mignons with sauce bernaise. 616 00:27:57,385 --> 00:27:58,720 My thoughts exactly, sir. 617 00:27:58,970 --> 00:28:00,889 {y:i}Damn this Chateau Lafitte. 618 00:28:01,139 --> 00:28:03,475 He's a very brave man, Blackadder, 619 00:28:03,725 --> 00:28:06,019 and of course that lieutenant of his, George. 620 00:28:06,269 --> 00:28:08,104 Cambridge man, you know. 621 00:28:08,355 --> 00:28:13,151 His uncle Bertie and I used to break wind for our college. 622 00:28:13,401 --> 00:28:16,780 Slightly unusual taste, this sauce bernaise. 623 00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:21,201 Yes, and to be quite frank, these mignons are... 624 00:28:21,451 --> 00:28:22,869 are a little... well... 625 00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:25,080 What? 626 00:28:25,330 --> 00:28:26,790 Well, dungy. 627 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:28,958 What on earth's wrong with our cook? 628 00:28:29,209 --> 00:28:32,087 Well, it's rather strange story, sir. 629 00:28:32,337 --> 00:28:34,005 Oh? Tell, tell. 630 00:28:34,255 --> 00:28:37,300 Well, sir, I received a phone call this afternoon 631 00:28:37,550 --> 00:28:41,680 from Pope Gregory IX telling me that our cook 632 00:28:41,930 --> 00:28:44,099 had been selected for the England cricket team 633 00:28:44,349 --> 00:28:46,851 and must set sail for the West Indies immediately. 634 00:28:47,102 --> 00:28:48,311 Really? 635 00:28:48,561 --> 00:28:50,855 Barely a moment later, the phone rang again. 636 00:28:51,106 --> 00:28:53,817 It was a trio of wandering Italian chefs 637 00:28:54,067 --> 00:28:57,112 who happened to be in the area offering their services. 638 00:28:57,362 --> 00:28:59,531 So I had the quartermaster take them on at once. 639 00:28:59,781 --> 00:29:03,284 Oh? Jumping Jupiter! 640 00:29:03,535 --> 00:29:08,373 Are you sure these are real raisins In this plum duff? 641 00:29:08,623 --> 00:29:11,710 Oh yes, I'm sure they are, sir. 642 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:13,795 Everything will be all right 643 00:29:14,045 --> 00:29:17,382 once the cream custard arrives. 644 00:29:19,259 --> 00:29:21,803 Jolly good fun, sir, but dash it all, 645 00:29:22,053 --> 00:29:23,972 we appear to have missed the big push! 646 00:29:24,222 --> 00:29:27,017 Oh, damn, so we have. 647 00:29:27,267 --> 00:29:29,853 One thing puzzles me, Baldrick... 648 00:29:30,103 --> 00:29:32,564 How did you manage to get so much custard 649 00:29:32,814 --> 00:29:37,485 out of such a small cat?